An ode to solitude

For the last three months I’ve been stuck in a loophole of realizations with no real-life executions: I come up with truths about myself, but I don’t do anything to prove them wrong i.e. turn them into lies. Or at least has-beens.

Probably for the first time in my life I’m actually trying to follow my new year resolutions. Every year I change but these changes have not been initiated by me but by a grater power and mostly – not for the better. This time I’ve decided that my new year resolution is… tranquility. And I mostly find that in solitude.

As I was reunited with my spiritual guide, I’ve been following their words and have been trying to study myself more to finally do some self-love and I can’t believe but I really see myself having walked a quarter of the road. And maybe that sounded a little too spiritualistic for even my beliefs but life has found it’s ways to prove me wrong. And while my execution of the new-year-new-me plan so far has mostly been staying home all the time, I need to find a way to treat myself, by myself. I recently figured out what I want to do (study) so that’s one piece of the puzzle in place.

I’m becoming and ex-teenager and as one, my life was all centered by trying to find love exterior to my inner universe and that has been quite unsuccessful. So, it is time to embrace solitude – and everything that comes with it. I need to rearrange my time, thoughts and habits i.e. I usually get very, very sad once I’m left alone – because I’m alone. But after all this time I’ve found out there so much beauty to solitude – it really is the most gracious state. Mostly, I have the much needed peace to finally hear myself speak, think and sing – events I haven’t had the pleasure to enjoy too much. And also freedom – from the giant cage I lock myself in once I step foot outside of my home; I am my own witness.

So I raise my glass to solitude. A state of gratitude: for all my experience; the lack of love – and for finding it not in somebody else – but in me; for the freedom; for hearing my own opinion about myself – and feeling good from it. This is my long, long path away from self hatred and towards one bright, sole life – love is the fruit of it. And here’s my thank you to the one person who helped me do it.