What’s next?

Life has been way too unpredictable. I’m used to living at very high speeds, so any surprise is unnatural to me and I can’t react to it truthfully, because I’m used to knowing what my next step is. I’m used to this rhythm, as this has been my way of existing for over two decades now. So letting go and going with the flow just doesn’t feel right… Right?

Now that I’ve put the final piece of the emotional puzzle in me, I’m feeling very, very confused: my needs; my wishes and my wants have swapped; I can’t even recognize myself, not by my attitude, or my reflection. I strive to be alone now, as solitude seems to be the only state fulfilling my craves at the moment. No longer in disbelieve, I consider myself self-sufficient and am not scared of ending up alone for life in the romantic department, as I’m surrounded by my favorite people: and for the first time, I’m ready to embrace their advices.

Last night I had a dream where I was watching a documentary about an old train station, that was demolished and a new one was built over it. Thinking over and over again about it, I’ve come to realize that this is very significant: the train station is a symbol for the two parts of my life. So now that I’ve started all over again, I’ve demolished my old state of existence and built the new one over.

And I don’t know what to expect this time. My life is no longer predictable; I am yet to set new desires and needs. Now that the new station has been freshly-opened, I have no idea where the trains are coming from and where are they going: not that I forgot to label them, I just didn’t do it purposefully. Maybe my need is to be surprised, this time instead of running with the trains, I’m just going to board the one that seems the most adventurous and see where it goes.

This time it’s not about meeting people, mostly because the current pandemic conditions don’t allow it, but also because I have to stop chasing, and wait to see what’s coming. If you miss it, just sit and wait: you’re not late; nobody is waiting for you, be patient.