It’s important for us the see what shines through the mud and what hard times are supposed to give us. The year of 2020 was an opportunity for me to find what I had lost, but also gain a couple of new abilities along the way. I achieved something, that I did not believe in, not to speak that I never thought it would happen to me: regain my happiness and find power in my solitude.
But this is just a fraction of all the revelations, thoughts, opinions and events that I have gone through in the beginning of this decennia and stage of my living. And thus, I’ve decided to reflect on every moment that has defined me this year, for the better:
New Year’s Eve, the small step
And just how they say, ‘Morning sets the day’s tone.’ I started this year clueless about what was ahead of me. For the first time I didn’t have any plans or expectations, I just let myself go and instead of living in the future, I spent those moments being completely present: no more assumptions or wishes; setting calmness as a goal is the best gift you can give yourself, especially in a moment of despair. New Year’s Eve would come as an initiation into the Twenties both as an era, and state of life: I only told myself ‘No more fear, only happiness’, and was finally ready to become my only care and that enabled me to think about other people and protect their feelings.
Some time of my own
With a clear mind, I was given the opportunity to get to know myself again: the comfort of having no to leave my home helped me go through all my traits and characteristics all over again and analyze every spot on my body, physically and mentally. Reaching, for the first time in my life, self-love and acceptance, I finally understood what genuine happiness is. Finally, loneliness wasn’t a threat to me, but a gift instead. What helped me the most was realizing that I’ve been through tons of pain and am still here, and that only made me stronger for what’s to come. I realized that I was concentrating on negativity only, when so much positivity has happened to me.
Becoming Twenty: A set of milestones
I had a lot to celebrate: not only my birthday, but also overcoming this huge obstacle that solitude was to me. But going into my twenties made me realize what a short moment my childhood was;; and, still confused: am I still a child, an adult, or a grown boy? And answering this question is much easier when you drop all the heavy luggage of trauma. I opened my eyes to see all the love my friends were trying to give me and that prepared me for all the forgiveness I was about to give, and receive. But I also remember how important it is to say ‘Thank you!’ even when there’s no one to say it to. What made me happy the most was the fact that I saw myself be twenty years old.
Shifting priorities
Focusing on myself and my happiness was the key to stop thinking about romance for a moment. Moving my priorities, I started giving, instead of viciously and passively receiving without gratitude: making people around me happy made me even happier and all my problems and cares really washed away out of my consciousness. As I was adapting to my new stage of life, I was able to reflect on my future, finally clean of prejudices. What came as a priority was to realize that I’m not a child anymore and presenting myself to others as a trustworthy and healthy colleague.
The right academic path
Getting to study something, that was never clear enough to me, was kind-of my plan, but still, not exactly. Now that I had gotten rid of anything that would distract me, I could take on the possibility of continuing with my education the best way I can – by studying something that I don’t completely understand, and yet was my main goal all the time, but had just realized it. Following a new academic path, with new to me information, helped me concentrate even more on becoming one of the best in the program.
Giving one last chance to romance
Happiness doesn’t mean you’re never met with the hard reality. Thinking that I had become an even better company, I was ready to search for some romance. Looking back, I’ve never had that, so that action is still very vague to me. Being rejected never feels good, but solitude had never felt better after that. Maybe I’m not ready yet, maybe it was never meant for me, I may never know, but at least I know what I want, and I want to be happy. Everything else is just vanity. But the thought of not knowing what it’s like to spend every day with somebody romantically involved with you does not hurt or distract me anymore, as I’ve become my own person.
Losing friends
Words are forgettable, memories last. It’s important to me that my closest people feel the difference when I’m not around. I tried to apologize for not being present all this time by letting them know I still love them, but was leading battles of my own. Seeing that some of my friends stayed with me through my darkest gave me the energy to completely eliminate negativity; still, I had lot’s of challenges and break-ups with people I considered close. But accusing myself is not the answer, nor is accusing them; I tried to embrace the loss instead and aimed my love elsewhere.
The end?
Having achieved the final stage of my initiation, I find myself calm, happy, powerful and ready for what’s to come. It may have cost me much to arrive at this destination, but that only speaks for the greatness that I possess. It has finally come to the point where I don’t have battles to win and it’s time for a well-deserved vacation. My most important task is to maintain my happiness and not let anything challenge it.
This year has been my greatest lesson yet: I learned the price of calmness, but also ran out of forgiveness. I learned that only I can be my own enemy and that friends never wish you ill. It’s time to give back the positivity received and instead of searching, only finding. I may now lay down, take a deep breath and close my eyes to embrace what’s coming next. Which, by the way, I don’t know what it really is. Resolutions ≠ promises. In conclusion: 2020 was the year I found my happiness.
* All photographs were taken by me, except where noted. Some of the original pictures were resized and repositioned.
TOMMY EXPLORES THE WORLD 