Ten years ahead

Today I am holding back my tears as I’m writing this. It feels like everything that I was building ever since starting this blog suddenly faded away and I’m only left with all my trauma to think about. This existential crisis, however, occurs annually, on a certain day branded as ‘my birthday.’

It’s probably my biggest fight in life, to be happy and genuinely smiling on this day, but instead it’s the Devil’s spawn for horror when it comes. I’m always left in tears, or in fear that I’m not doing my best and that I’m kind of left out of the party. This trending ‘main character syndrome’ feels like pinching now more than ever, as I’m trying to torpedo through all the wishes and calls from people I didn’t even know I’m related to, while missing even a text from the people I need to hear from.

Again, standing on the worst tile I could possibly occupy, I’m concentrating on the negativity, instead of daydreaming about all the happy moments that I’ve lived through, some including my birthday. But maybe I could have a verbal problem: I’m not vocal enough about my needs. And what I need today is for someone to take care of me: organize my party, take me out, slap me through the face or even pick me up and leave me on the side of a very distant road that I’d have to walk back home. I need to be treated the way I treat everybody else almost every day. I realize that people don’t read minds, at least not like I do, and are certainly not ready to ask me out or at least ask me how I feel. I’m stuck in this cycle of ‘I want today to be all about me but I’m scared that people will be mad at me if I don’t invite them and give them attention especially today.’ Are people really that shallow? Let me rephrase, are my friends really that shallow?

Through the years, to deal with this problem, I tried acting as if this is a regular day, not telling anyone it’s my birthday, working, going to school, having appointments, but time occupancy is not mental remedy. It could have made it worse, even. I can’t stop comparing myself to others: how can I remember it’s your special day, but you can’t remember mine? But channeling trauma and depression into aggression is going to ruin me more than it is going to hurt other people.

Maybe the answer is in my decisions. And if you get mad at me for wanting to be happy on what’s nowadays probably my most difficult day, means you don’t get to occupy a place in my life, so have a nice one. I will be reckless and careless today, as from what I’ve seen, I’m ten years ahead of the game that everyone else plays: so happy 31st birthday to me. May it all come in smiles.