Rearranging the mind

Now that I’ve come close to finishing another chapter of my journey, I’ve found myself in a period of less working, less studies and less stress – I’ve been sitting at home all day for the past several weeks. Being left alone and unoccupied with my thoughts has been making it harder for me to focus and finish tasks or projects, that I had started voluntarily prior to entering this phase.

Hundreds of thoughts and ideas flying through my mind at any given time, it has become difficult for me to express any will or energy to do chores, finish a project or even go out on a walk. On top of it all, I’ve been falling ill more often lately. It begs the question – am I in depression (again)?

I’ve been waiting for this period where I have no tasks and am able to lay down and rest a bit, since I’ve had a very busy year. Thought I’d have the summer off – so this vacation came past due. But now that I’m left with only myself to take care of, I’ve noticed I have no appetite or energy; any interactions exhaust me beyond recharging; I’ve been indifferent to my surroundings, but also have been very easily irritated by insignificant events; I have no will to finish chores and projects and forget easily. My mind currently looks like a small garage, filled with boxes, left by someone who’s just moving into the house that it belongs to.

But the truth is that I’m also exhausted in general – but am still very grateful for what I’ve been able to accomplish lately, as I’m very steadily building my career into the audiovisual arts. I’ve decided to fight these distractions and instead of finding the strength to go forward with my normal, busy life – I’d rather generate that strength by giving myself tasks that I wouldn’t usually attend to. These include applying to have my debit card re-issued and reapply for my insurance as a student, which are both tasks I’ve been putting off for later for the past several weeks.

When it comes to me and my free time, there’s nothing coming in between – no major events, holidays, danger, catastrophes. I’m going to enjoy it, no matter the circumstances, so I tend to disappear and go off the radar for my friends – I only answer (urgent) work-related calls. So, as per usual, I go on a social media tour answering calls and texts from my closest ones by the end of the period of rest.

I’ve been thinking more about how I don’t wear my emotions – again, I hide behind this wall, so that I’m not recognized for being too emotional, or too critical. I’ve been told that I lack emotion and I feel like it’s becoming too inhumane, like a statue that has its face fixed in time. Maybe showing my emotions isn’t weakness and it’s not dooming me after all…