I feel very comfortable being who I am. After a system of struggles and lack of acceptance, I’ve ironed-out the issues I used to have with myself. I needed to do that first, so that I could proceed to paving the path between me and society. I used to have a very thick brick wall, separating me from my social environment, that I had built myself, because I was too afraid of becoming an accidental victim.
And to a certain point, I still am. But I managed to identify the problems: shyness impeded me from expanding my workspace; fear of embarrassment and failure impeded me from doing good academically; prejudice impeded me from tying new connections… I’m too quick to judge, but I do guess correctly. My instinct for people has never let me down and I’ve always been right about their true character – and I had to learn to bend over it and to adapt to it. So, what if that particular person is shallow and immature – I’d try not to overshare, or I’d even lie, if I need to. I believe that a lie is a fact until proven otherwise, and I only lie about aspects that can’t be proven objectively.
Earlier this Spring, I attended one of my closest friends’ birthday party. I adore her very much, but I couldn’t enjoy myself as I had anticipated; my head was occupied with a huge cloud of thoughts, because she had invited another former close friend of mine, that I had stopped actively speaking to, because he’s way too phony and he’d act like my best friend, but then speak the worst of words about me to his other friends – as if we are not adults… I don’t mind it that much, but he has the characteristic that I loathe the most: he’d tell you what you want to hear and not what you need to; he’d lie, even to himself, so that he appears good and polite. The issue is that everybody falls for it, not seeing that he holds the truth behind his teeth and only lets the lies out. It’s too pathetic. The party ended in us making up for no other reason, but so that I could drive him home, which I obliged to and didn’t mind.
How do I fit in in that environment? I don’t, and I’m having the best time. I’d rather be received as ‘rude’ for speaking my mind, than knowing that I have insulted someone with a lie. I thrive in observing, which has helped me build the right mindset, so that I don’t feel like I’ve let anybody down. Infact, I don’t even feel like I’ve let myself down.
Having recently encountered two potential romantic relations that both ended in failure, I am left confused, as always – so the journey won’t stop. I went on several dates later this Winter, that ended with a sudden withdrawal of the opposite side. ‘I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship’ I was told, encountering said person and their significant other out in Downtown several months later. I feel like this happens every time I imagine my future with potential lovers – and abstaining from doing it, I am afraid I’d lose all my sentiment left. Can’t help but feel I’m a bit cursed. But I’m ambitious, talented, confident, secure and healthy enough, so I’ll bite the bone.
I’ve gone above and beyond socially this year, I’m very proud of myself for overcoming this issue and stepping out of my comfort zone. I think I deserve a vacation, mentally. I do have this habit of disappearing however, so don’t mind me… I’ll just be observing.
TOMMY EXPLORES THE WORLD 