September revelations

It’s the first September in my life where I’m not entering a new academic year. But I still can’t quite recover from my time at the Film Academy. Though I left having learned a lot and not just in my specialty, I was underprepared for how emotionally draining and energy costing the time studying there would be. I believe I handled it well – a lot better than I did in High School. But I’m still recharging the energy I lost during those four years of hard work, studying, disbelief and sabotage.

I’m not one to firmly believe in connection between mentality and planet alignment, but I can’t deny that I’ve noticed a significant change in my behavior during the periods of the so-called Mercury in Retrograde. Even most of the posts on my blog I’ve written in connection to experiences during these periods. And the current situation isn’t any different: I’ve been feeling less happy, stuck and perhaps even powerless. I haven’t been able to control the way my life rolls-out, which is very unlike me. And there are several events that could have contributed.

Starting off with the usual: after I graduated I decided that I’d have a lot more time to get focused on dating, so I put myself up on a classic dating app. Not that I had any luck – I wasn’t attracted to most of the people I saw. I wouldn’t call myself picky, but the area I live in doesn’t make it any easier, nor do I have a negative opinion on myself. Quite the contrary, I’d say I have a good self esteem-ego balance. But after I was yet again ghosted in the beginning of this month, I started doubting myself: am I wrong? Do I push people back? Am I delusional? No, I’m not delusional, nor wrong. I’m raised well, I’m polite and genuine. After a brief mental breakdown and a couple of calls to my friends, I decided to rest a bit and think over my priorities in the relations department. An ex of mine reached out not too long after and I decided to take on the opportunity – since by the end of this year we’d live in different cities, it wouldn’t hurt neither of us to try (again). I also realized that I can never expect of my friends to provide me the emotional stability I provide them, and I’d need to reinstitute that. Am I too good of a good person?

My closest friend went to study abroad for a year to pursue a Master’s degree and I couldn’t be happier for her – mostly because I didn’t think she’d be able to do so alone. I’ve always considered her my ‘little sister’ as I used to look after her whenever we were together, but she managed to apply, find housing and go there together with her boyfriend, who, as talented of a painter as he may be, isn’t the brightest person I’ve met. I’m happy she isn’t completely alone, but now she’s the one in charge. It’s not the fact she’s away that makes me sad, but I’m rather nostalgic. We’ve known each other for almost ten years – and taking that we’re in our twenties now, we were basically children when we met, and now we’re entering adulthood, still pretty much together. I guess I don’t want us to drift apart…

It’s that time again – to get a regular check up on a doctor’s visit, like I’m a car that needs oil change. I have a couple of complaints, but I’d spare the details. So I did some blood testing; examinations and a colonoscopy. Turns out – I’m healthier than a horse. So, bad news – I’m not going anywhere anytime soon, not that I’d like to disclose who that’s bad news for.

I need to get focused on my future now. As I’ve always said, I gotten so far, I could go further; I’ll survive. I know there are people who feel worse than me and the only help I can provide is to not show myself as tragic. So let me just vent. After all this dramatic time ends shortly, right?