Unsure if I’d prefer quality over quantity, but this year’s few events were one I’d hardly ever forget. Despite being maybe the biggest milestones (so far), they didn’t come into my life at a cheap price. I’ve never been stranger to stress, but being unable to take a rest was a lesson learned the hard way.
And even if I was able to finish a path that I had been walking my whole life, it’s end didn’t come with a moment of clarity, but rather I fell into a thorn-trap. I can’t help but ask myself if I had made the right decisions for myself. More precisely, what I wanted. I can’t believe I’m 23 years old, I think as I write the most important events over the past year:
An elite membership
Over the past 6 years, I’ve worked with a group of great people and I’m proud to finally be called part of the team. My work with them started incidentally, while I was still in High school, where my 10th grade Latin teacher decided to give my stubbornness a chance. Marginalia is a human rights advocacy organization and a news platform for minorities’ voices, and is indeed, a personal cause of mine. I admire these activists I work with, who have changed the society I live in through it’s core, but I’m still very far from standing on their level. Over the Spring, I was asked to write my membership request and it was later approved by the council. Now I’m a videographer for the online media and have been able to create some material to publish. Having trust put in me for my work is a feeling I never expected to be so good.
End of an era
It feels like only yesterday that I was in first grade getting bullied by every living entity inside of a public school in the city’s troubled area. Never in my furthest projection of my future did I imagine to receive such great education, as I have now, that I’ve finally finished it. And although High school was admittingly easier, I was able to use my knowledge from then into my Academy degree, where I went through several History of world culture classes. So after a lot of blood, sweat, tears, illnesses, several semestrial fees and all exams passed, I’m a proud owner of a Bachelor’s degree.
At the end of my first year, I was able to be admitted to study Film and TV Sound. I entered after taking an exam on Film and TV Directing and Journalism, but it wasn’t too late that I found that these are areas of activity that demand much more life experience than a 19-year-old has. Even though I used to dream of being a snobbish film director as a kid, my biggest dream has always been making music. I pursued it as closely as possible, even entering the mixed choir in High school, so it seems I didn’t steer too far off my childhood’s projection.
Stress took a toll
Lack of time to take care of myself and inability to rest got the best of me. After all the work-related and academic stress, I thought I’d be able to lay down, take my breath, maybe start a new job or research what I want to pursue for my masters. Situations and events led to a heavy mental breakdown, one that I had never experienced in my life. The build up of fear, uncertainty, need to take a breath and job after job made me feel like I was suddenly locked inside of an aquarium. I crumbled suddenly, and for the first time, I had nowhere to land.
I had been working every day and night for several months. I was exhausted and overwhelmed from tasks. Indeed, I wasn’t suicidal. But I sure did hope for it all to end.
I was on my way to catch a business flight I was already late for after finishing some work, when I couldn’t find the keys to my car. It felt like the world trying to impede me, while I’m already tripping. A small mishap was the last problem I needed, after having accumulated so much anxiety. I started shacking, breathing heavily, my arms lost strength and my vision blackened. Entering a state of panic, I was able to gather myself enough to call my aunt, who lives nearby, and ask her to drive me to the airport. In her car, I lost control over my psyche. I was somewhere there, but unresponsive. I saw and heard everything that was going on, but I couldn’t react; my head was empty. It was like my brain was an erased board. I passed through security on autopilot and with tears in my eyes. That was the moment I realized that as self-centered as I am, I don’t prioritize myself enough.
A dreadful decision
I call it dreadful, as I hate to admit it, but I need to take a ‘gap year’. I guess that might not be the right terminology, since it’s not a gap year right after High School. But I want to study more and I want to pursue a Master’s degree. But first, I need to take care of myself and see what I want to do from now on. I’m finally stable, I have a comfortable income, without having to overwork and I have enough time for myself. I just haven’t had the chance yet to find what is it that I want, because I want and I can so much, yet I should mostly stick to one. I want to save some money and go study somewhere with dignity, unlike the conditions under which I finished my Bachelor’s degree.
So I guess, see you next year, university applications? I need to pause it all for a moment, collect myself, then get on the run again. I’m able to see the world in a way nobody else does. I was yet again able to travel for work several times and meet new people, but due to lack of rest, I wasn’t able to keep those contacts the way I wanted to… In conclusion: 2023 was the year I realized I’m my own priority.
TOMMY EXPLORES THE WORLD 