Am I invisible?

The more I explore myself, the more I’m coming to the same conclusion: I’m alone, but not lonely. And for years, going through an isolated childhood, turbulent teens and comparative maturity in my early twenties, I felt like solitude protected me. It protected me from the horrible world, a post-apocalyptic universe of the soul, which has engulfed people in society. I suffer perhaps because of my own protection. But living in delusion, I liked my solitude; I liked the way it felt and it made me feel better than everybody else. Because they needed someone, and I never did. But I can’t lie, this time being honest, I confess: I finally do feel lonely.

Maybe it’s the post-graduation syndrome, although I never liked my colleagues, but life feels empty. I have friends, we go out; I still enjoy myself. But there’s something missing and I’m not entirely sure what it is. I have this horrible habit to distance myself everytime I don’t feel well mentally. I never share, not that many of my friends have made me comfortable to do so… But the ones that have, still can’t fill the gap between strangers and me. It feels like I’m untreatable for stage V Tommy’s disease – avoided by society by avoiding society.

Still, I’m very social. I’m the soul of the party, both my presence and absence are not just noticeable, they are the determining factor of the gathering. And while this makes me feel appreciated, I can’t help but feel like a tragic clown – one that entertains, but is never amused. I love crowds, I love to hear people having fun. It calms me down, knowing that I’m in the company of people. But somehow I don’t feel connected to them. I don’t feel like I belong there. It scares me to feel like this right now in my life – probably the stage in which I should be the most social and outgoing. I don’t want to be the center of the party or the subject of all the rumours. I want to be able to hold a conversation, not having to perform acrobatic numbers verbally to keep the attention. And while I understand that this is the case with most people, that doesn’t mean it’s normal.

My closest friend has never had it hard to meet people. It doesn’t matter where, when or how – she can always make friends. She’s adorable and approachable. I recently saw a candid picture of me. I looked spectacular, as always, but there was something about the expression on my face. I thought, I wouldn’t want to talk to this person, he scares me.

Am I scary? Have I turned from a clown to a vampire? Some years ago, having just turned 18 years old, I developed this “What’s the worst that could happen and is it really that bad?” philosophy. It helped me smile all the time, I was joyful and vivid. I want to be like that again, I want to enjoy life, despite it all not being too enjoyable. I’m a person who’s always looking two days forward. But maybe it’s time for some retrospection. I don’t want to be alone.