Experimentation and me

I’m no stranger to experimentation. After all, I make most of my decisions ‘on the go’ – I improvise most of the time, which is experimentation… sort of. I think that experimentations are allowed when you know the rules well enough to break them; knowing what consequences breaking them brings. I’ve shaped myself so firmly to a mould, I barely allow myself to get out of it. I see myself as a very stiff figure and this physicality is affecting my mentality and behavior. I wish I were loose and careless; instead I’m strict and passionless.

I’m my own helicopter parent. But also I feel like I’m always monitored by other people and strangers. There’s this type of people that would attract attention, even if they’re quiet and packed, and I’m one of them. I feel like I’m expected to act a certain type of way, to behave a certain type of way; to have attitude but not too much; to be tough, but not too much; to show emotion, but not be vulnerable. This is all in my head, I realize. After all, nobody cares about me, right? Everytime I try to break my own mould, I catch myself neglecting what’s expected of me and I return to being this quiet and packed soulless person.

Finally, I have time for this largely anticipated dedication, one that I was previously impeded from doing, has been pursuing my interest in art. I used to put everything else first – studying, working… Because pursuing art has never had a concrete outcome for me, not one that I can certainly foresee or rely on. And so, it’s always faded to the background of my tasks, and I never had the chance to fully research, study or engage in making it – because it was kind of distracting and defocusing me from my main job.

And although I studied Film Arts, I was never able to see the ‘Arts’ side of it, because through the years of off-putting art solely as an object of leisure, I managed to teach myself to never enjoy what I wanted to study. More like, I was never able to feel the emotions and rather studied ‘Film Industry’, which is kind of sad to say as a Film Academy graduate. However, the Modern era offers 1000+1 ways to study by yourself. Now that I have the foundation, I should go back and feel what art truly is. Maybe that way I’ll bring myself back to feeling emotions and fantasizing.

Deciding what to do, after finishing my requirements hasn’t been as easy, as I thought it would be; I have pretty much always had my major milestones in life planned, however I never figured out the road to them. I want to educate myself artistically and I don’t think it’d be hard, now that I have the foundation. With everything else I’m doing, I see self-education as experimentation.