The act I’m not capable of

I’m yet to be in a situation which leads to a relationship, or at least evade heartbreak. My last involvement was just one of mutual understanding – I can’t find an alternative, they can’t either, which brings us back to one another. As convenient as it is, it is still not ideal… It doesn’t bring us joy, nor does it help us reach what each of us wants, because we’re not attracted to one another. And goodness, laying this out on text helps me realize that it is just horrible. As my friend said, better be happy alone, than sad and involved.

Here’s what I think my problem is: I jump into deep waters right from the start – I invest myself from the beginning, but I still remain unsure of the situation’s outcome and the other person’s interest. But I can’t help it; I’m a good swimmer. And even though I’m unable to reach the other side of the ocean, I still manage to bring myself to the shore. Then I collect myself and the cycle repeats.

Truth is, I just can’t act unavailable. It’s not that I don’t know how – I just don’t see the point. I’m literally always available. My phone has been surgically glued to my hand and I work from home. If I don’t reply, it’s because I don’t want to, not because I can’t. Why would I act as if I hadn’t seen the message or the missed call for two hours? It doesn’t seem serious to me. But at the same time, I deserve much more self respect. I can’t just neglect whatever I’m doing to reply, which is what I usually do even with my friends. Acting unavailable is a form of self respect, because there’s so much more to do other than replying an interesting stranger’s texts right away.

Going back to last summer, after being ghosted by someone new I had just met through a dating app. In the end it felt devastating, because once again, I couldn’t find what I was looking for. And after years of polishing myself, always looking for my own fault, I thought: damn… I still have a long way to go? But now that some time has passed, I think I’m starting to see it as a blessing, because I don’t know what I would’ve gotten myself into. In that sense, not everyone is worthy of my attention. In all honesty, I’m a rather polished person; sure I have some issues here and there, but some people have it way worse than that. And I achieved it through very hard work and patience with myself, so I deserve the credit.