Indecisive and exhausted

Stress has been an inseparable part of my life. Up until finishing Film Academy, I don’t think there has been a single day where I felt care free and allowed myself to rest completely. I spent my time either worrying, living in fear of being engulfed by thoughts.

But ever since taking my diploma, I’ve been feeling like I’ve done my lively duties; like I’ve finished everything that was expect of me. I find it harder and harder to put together my thoughts and I struggle to at least organize them in a neat way, that would allow me easier exploration. I have the motivation to start new projects and ideas; I don’t have the energy to complete them. I’ve become very undecisive and push everything for the day after today, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the…

But I would have never guessed, stress-free life doesn’t feel good… At all. It has been my fuel, giving me the power to push through anything. I’m thinking, maybe I was so motivated to work under stress, because finishing all that work would get me out of it; but before I finished my Bachelor’s, stress never went away, just only got less intense.

Now that I don’t have anything to finish, stress has been a lesser part of my life, only appearing occasionally. Truth is, I was deathly afraid of not finishing my Bachelor’s or having to retake and entire year of it. It wasn’t fear of failing in the slightest, but I rather want to get it over with as fast as possible. And while pretty much all my friends in the Academy had to retake an year, I was able to finish uninterrupted.

I want to rest for a year before pursuing a masters, I decided. But I’m still very much in love with learning. My superpower is probably that I’m a very fast learner. So I’m very eager to continue studying. But that’s becoming a problem as well, because I’m starting to feel like an ‘eternal student’, because I don’t know what life without school is, since I’ve spent most of my time obsessing over it. Now that I have the chance to pretty much start over and begin anew, I don’t know if I want to. Because that would mean everything I’ve done so far was for nothing – and I’d rather save that for later…