A drastic change

Predictability is my nightmare. Everytime my life takes on a pattern of activities that repeats daily, I enter “crisis mode”, in which I tend to spiral out of control emotionally. I become easily irritated and sometimes even irrational. I would try and add a little unpredictability in my day, so that I eliminate any chance of a routine appearing, but I don’t know how long I can keep this act for.

Contrary to my hate for routines, I used to like having my life completely planned out. Knowing what would happen in ten years brought me pride. And as impossible as it seems, now I’m right where I thought I’d be when I was 14 – at a crossroad. But plans aren’t always reliable, especially for a fluid person like me, because I like change and I believe I can always change myself if I want to. That builds up an internal conflict, because changing my entire personality means that I need to change my long term plans as well – but I didn’t think that would be necessary.

I started feeling overwhelmed this April when my publications in a connection to a project got published in a book without crediting me, however, with my consent. I didn’t really mind it, as it wasn’t exactly what I’d imagine to be my publishing debut. But following that I started realizing that although my work’s quality is recognized, quantity just kept rising and I had to keep up with it. Not only that, but I noticed a pattern in my work, which drove me crazy, as I had to write a new publication every other day and I didn’t have much time to prepare or at least draft it. I started questioning if I want to continue working for an NGO and have a greater cause to work for, or if I wanted to follow my academic specialty and simply work for myself.

Breaking point took place at the end of April, when I had to travel to shoot some interviews for a documentary I’m currently still working on as a sound editor. I went there with my friend, who I graduated Film Academy with, along with her friend, a boy who’s a year younger, as well as our director – a lady above our age. During our conversations I felt myself distancing from the two who were pretty much the same age as me. I thought to myself, I can make the other lady relate to and understand me, but I can’t make them, although we’re the same age and generation? That’s ridiculous! All that was caused by the fact that I’ve been working with older people since my teenage years and that made it easier for me to seek a deeper connection with people older than me.

As I came home, I laid on my bed and cried. Why had I let it come to this? More than ever before, I felt misunderstood and alone. I had allowed myself to become a generational renegade and it has turned me into a repulsive ruin. I was trying to act older; putting up a façade that made me unrecognizable even to myself. Resulting in me not allowing myself to be friends with my peers, while being unable to be friends with people older than me.

I’m still young, there’s so much I need to learn before I can allow myself to feel mature.