Quitting and admitting

I used to be so happy that I’d joined a human rights organization and was very superficially working in journalism. I love working for a cause. But I think I let it completely take over me and get to my head: was that really what I wanted to do with my life?

The NGO was my main focus for over six years. During this time, I dedicated as much effort as I could in order to establish myself as a reliable, talented and smart person and build myself a future in journalism, activism and perhaps politics. All this while studying to become a professional sound designer for films and television. So why was I trying to divide my future into two courses? I continued with the organization pretty much as I was finishing high school, as it seemed like a logical step at the time. But after choosing to study film arts, it was evident that activism should’ve just been a passion, rather than a career track.

Frankly, journalism and activism especially in my region are fields of work predominantly occupied by elderly people. For six years I was not just the youngest – but the only person my age to work there. Indeed there were some interns, but I was the only one to stick around; there wasn’t anyone I could share my interests with. I started seeking closeness with my “colleagues” who were about three times my age. It isn’t impossible to find friends who are significantly older than you, but that doesn’t make them feel young – it makes you feel old. I realized that seeking friendship with older people started creating an unfillable gap between me and people my age.

I’ve never thought about quitting the NGO during the time I was part of it, but I ended up having to make a decision and leave the moment that idea popped in my head. I don’t think it was rushed or a hasty move, because I believe it was my instinct calling. My participation was a result of my desperate attempt to grow up faster in order to run away from my peers who I saw as villains. But I should’ve tried and understand them instead of taking on my own path. After all, I am 24 years old and it’s impossible to relate to someone with a much greater life experience than me. I don’t regret my time in the organization, but I regret allowing it to distance me so much from my own generation.

Right now I have to find out if I can still be happy without having a cause to work for. I couldn’t allow myself to get sad before, because I was working for something much greater and that gave me purpose; it made me feel important. But now I see that not everyone around me needs to feel that way – so why should I? Being ordinary seems peaceful.