ON TIME!!! I’m glad to say that I’m finally able to release the annual recap on time this year before the calendar ends. It has been a time filled with many… Perhaps too many emotions, decisions, realizations, jobs and lastly – acquaintances.
Each year I document the most important events in a summary and in the end I write out my main flaw, which I believe I’ve spent the past year trying to fix. And this time I’m summarizing the experiences with a tiny sneak peak of what’s to come. And since I’ve decided to plan out the next year, let’s see what the passing one has brought:
Making a pivotal decision
The entrance to my twenties was marked by the significant presence of a higher cause I chose to support during my last years in high school. Back then I started working for a small media with a human rights profile, a respected representational platform for local minorities’ voices. And although I had to take a brief pause around the time I was getting into Film Academy, it felt otherwise right. Until I realized I was taking too much responsibility: at my age I should have much more carefree priorities and I also wanted to develop myself in the film industry, not in politics or journalism. My internal conflict had me realize that I might be pulling too far away from my generation, which was turning me into a renegade. I. e. I’m 24, I should be at the club.
Unexpected but anticipated friendship
When I was in fourth grade I realized that I only wanted to be friends with girls who are honest, because boys are schemers, manipulators, bullies and they talk behind your back. After so many years, I decided to give that practice a break, as I was intrigued by an acquaintance – a straight boy, who didn’t seem to disregard my friendliness. But meeting someone like that during a moment in my life when I was lost and uncertain felt like I was starting anew, completely stripped of my own prejudice.
My solitude is killing me
Working in the film industry means that each time I go on set, I meet different people. And that’s great – I have the chance to make new contacts, friends and impressions each time. But it also means that nobody can ever stay. In my minimalist way of life, I try not to have too many friends, but ones that I can really count on (spoiler: that is proved untrue). Scheduling conflicts due to work engagements hasn’t been an issue so far, but it seems that all of my friends only sought friendship as a substitute for romance. Now I’ve become one of the few people in my life who’s not in a relationship and in result, I’ve spent more days in my room than I’ve spent out this year.
It only makes me think about that if I was too in a relationship, I wouldn’t have to count on my friends to hang out.
Realizing that I’m becoming progressively lonelier the more serious my friends’ relationships became, sent me into a brief emotionally turbulent period. I’m currently completely unable to find love and am still desperately looking for it, while becoming simply a memory to smile about to the people I considered the closest. My fears were confirmed when I reached out to ask the people I was concerned about for help, who either cited their relationship as fulfilling enough not to hang out with me, or just had different priorities.
Something about love
Through conversations with different people this year, I’ve started building a case to solve the absence of romantic endeavours in my life. Because I don’t think it’s a “lucky at work, unlucky in love” type of scenario, but rather a misunderstanding between me and society. Love is just around the corner, I can feel it. I’ve already had several breakthroughs and have realized that I’m my own problem, but not because I sit and wait or am too capricious, but rather because I’m too self involved: I want to be in love, but don’t know what for. Because frankly, being in love is caused by the need for something the other person offers. My self-sufficience doesn’t require somebody else’s intervention. In order to find love, I need to incapacitate myself.
Brace for impact more decision making
I suppose 25 can be a very opportunistic, but difficult age. I can already feel I’m no longer a child and can’t afford acting like one. Yet, I don’t believe I’m mature enough. It feels like a new era of my life is coming with my next birthday and I need to prepare myself for that. I want to draw a plan and lay it out step by step, so that I’m able to endure whatever it is that the mid-twenties will bring as experience. In other words, time is coming to apply what I’ve learned so far, so that I start living my own life. School is not in session anymore.
What I mean is that I shouldn’t experiment anymore. By now, I should have gathered enough feedback to act immediately and not think about it. Even more, my need to detach from my family and settle down briefly somewhere else is growing by the second. My task right now is to decide where I want to settle down at and in what way I want it to happen.
Despite all mishaps and crises, this year has proven to be the end of a large chapter of my life, a quarter of a century long. I now have all the tools required to fit in society, while continuing my own separate being. I’ve manage to locate all the holes and cracks, but now I need to create the missing pieces myself. But that looks like it’s going to be a confusing process, because I’ll be unable to verbalize and communicate my issues. Having nobody by your side, not even a friend or a lover, is like trying to walk with a missing leg through a field of needles. In conclusion: 2024 was the year I could finally see how terminally lonely I am.
TOMMY EXPLORES THE WORLD 