Pure resentment

It has been a rough couple of months. I’ve been overworking myself since late august. Mid-September through October I went through a brief but deep emotional crisis, during which I received absolutely no support from my friends, some of whom I’ve carried through similar intense moments. I gradually recovered and now, having come to my senses, I’m having realizations regarding what I thought were my most concrete beliefs about friendship.

All my life revolved around for several weeks was laying in bed crying, experiencing panic attacks, suicidal thoughts, seclusion and lack of motivation, except for when I had to shut down mentally in order to complete my work. My head was filled with thoughts of all the times I’ve felt spare before, but what hurt the most was that in my memories, staying in my room, because I have nowhere else to go and no one to hang out with, seemed like a vision too frequent. I tried reaching out to my friends, sharing about my newly developed fear of solitude, but all they did was confirm exactly what I was afraid of.

In my pleas for help I was left abandoned and my requests to hang out for even a short time and talk it through so that I wouldn’t feel so lonely were met with “What you’re asking for is not a friend’s duty, that’s what relationships are for!” and “I’m shopping with my mom (said by a 25-year-old in their third year in university)”. Hearing words like these left me stunned, but I can’t help but agree just a little, because I realized that pouring so much time and effort into being there for them was wrong of me, but I don’t regret it. Still, reciprocating the help you’ve received should be a no brainer, however, no brain is where they’re apparently at. Bless each and every one of them, but what I learned to reciprocate is their behaviour.

I (barely) made it alive through this very intense period and I’m leaving it a bit more decisive: I decided that whether my friend likes me back or not is none of my business; I decided that I could spare thirty minutes everyday to exercise; I decided that I couldn’t afford to forgive anymore.